One thing that is likely true for all people, is that we want to do meaningful things in our lives. After all, having meaning in our lives is a human need, it brings us a sense of fulfilment. It’s not uncommon that when someone comes to see me in therapy, they are struggling with pursuing meaning in some way. It could be a parent wanting to pursue custody rights, someone on the edge of pursuing their dream career or someone coming to terms with ending a long term relationship. In the face of these challenges, they present me with their dilemma. They really want to pursue what matters, but the presence of fear is stopping them in their tracks. In their mind, they need the fear to disappear so they can move forward. There is palpable hope that I can make that happen. As much as I would love to tell them that I can banish fear, I instead have to gently burst the bubble.
If we are doing something meaningful, there will always be fear present. There cannot be one without the other.
Why?
Because fear is a consequence of caring. Caring is what fuels us to pursue what is meaningful. If we put these elements of pursuing meaning, caring and fear together it would look something like this:
I always explain that fear is crucial, it’s trying to motivate us to strengthen and do better at the things we care about. Without that fear, you would completely abandon the things you care about – you would have nothing pushing you.
Take me for example. I have provided therapy sessions literally thousands of times. It’d be easy to think because I have so much experience I should be without fear. That’s not what happens though. I have at least some fear in every single therapy session I provide, to this day. How do I know this? My mouth is almost always a little dry through sessions, which in this case is an anxious response. The reason is simple. I care about being helpful and seeing my clients find the meaning they deserve – which is meaningful to me.
I could attempt to get rid of my fear, but the only way to realistically do that would be to care less. I’m not willing to care less, because that would make me a far less effective therapist. I therefore allow myself to make room for my fear.
In a lot of cases the presence of fear isn’t the problem stopping us, it’s our intolerance of fear that is stopping us. There’s a very imaginative term for this, which is called fear intolerance. Our intolerance makes us see fear as a foe that must be vanquished. We learn to treat fear as a stop sign.
Of course there can be problems with fear if there is too much of it. If there’s too much fear we can feel paralysed under the weight of it. Using the full force of my imagination I call this one fear paralysis.
Sometimes a cycle is created in which fear intolerance eventually leads to fear paralysis, which comes back to strengthen our fear intolerance even further:
This is where therapy can be useful. Good therapy is supposed to expand your awareness and add to your toolkit for facing life’s challenges.
There’s a difference between fear intolerance and fear paralysis. It’s integral to learn which of these you are experiencing, because they are addressed very differently. Fear intolerance means that we need support in allowing fear, while fear paralysis means that help is needed to make the fear more manageable. In this situation, therapy can help you understand what your relationship with fear is and develop tools to work with it or manage it.
My clients are almost always initially disappointed to hear that fear must be here to stay. If they want to do what matters, they have to have at least some fear. However the story doesn’t end there. It can be strangely liberating to learn that fear is not only a normal human experience but a key part of pursuing meaning. It’s a friend trying to support us forward, not a foe trying to trap us.
So the next time you consider doing something meaningful and fear shows up – see if you can practise acknowledging that the fear is just a sign you care, not something you need to get rid of.
